He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
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