I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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