Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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