So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
Is Jonathan Taylor Thomas a gay? I need you to google search it for me. Its important
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Randomize
