there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
