she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
