yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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