Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
