Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
