It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
