Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
