I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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