My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I haven't been this sober since birth.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
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