Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
PANTIES FOUND
Randomize
