hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize
