I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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