Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
we made out on top of his cat.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
