she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
