Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
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