before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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