sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
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