Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
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