she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
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