I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
