all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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