Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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