I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
Randomize
