I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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