I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I need water and some morals
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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