from now on my penis is your penis
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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