The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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