Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
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