if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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