you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
