i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
