i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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