Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
