thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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