Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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