Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
