I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Randomize
