Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
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