yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Randomize
