i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
