remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
