You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
