YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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