I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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