i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
I should be sponsored by Trojan
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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