It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Randomize
