some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
How naked do you want me to be?
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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