I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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