Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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