Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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