I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
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