and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
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