What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
