Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
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